Office holiday parties can be uncomfortable for some of us. In my early twenties, I drank four glasses of Irish whiskey and sang Santa Baby ala Marilyn Monroe pointedly seducing the guy from IT. Last year I drank a bottle of wine and ended up wearing my sunglasses and a fake mustache while bar hopping with coworkers until I nearly threw up on my shoes. B was so pleased when “the new guy” dropped me off at home in the early morning hours. This year, I’m going to make everyone happy.
For all of those times that my boss told me to put on a push up bra and sell, for all of those pornographic emails sent my way by my male coworkers, I’m going to give them what they really want this year:
For the bald guy who keeps sending you those Obama emails that play The Jefferson’s theme song:
Good Old Boy Artwork
A not exactly safe for work nude painting of our favorite vice presidential candidate: $25 at Old Town Ale House
Who needs a coffee warmer? Save your USB port:
USB Pole Dancer
$25.99 at Stupid.com
For the person who uses the restroom nearest to your desk every day at 2:00 pm. A not-so-subtle hint:
Starting at $9.00 at Poo Pourri
Lastly, for the white guy who makes $20,000 a year, drives a Jaguar and listens to rap full blast every day after 3:30:
Pimp my Cube
$11.23 at Amazon
Happy Holidays coworkers! And thank you, boss, for that coupon for $2.00 off my next Honey Baked Ham sandwich. God bless us everyone!